Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
