well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
