Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
