Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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