If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
