It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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