How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
His hands were made for my vagina.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
