i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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