this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
