Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
