what day is it and did you see me today?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
