im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
