Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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