im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
