eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I don't deserve a penis
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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