toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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