sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize