Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
