please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
