I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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