we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
