shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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