I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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