What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
