I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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