I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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