Sry I called you an 8
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
