Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
