I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
