census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You ruined the universe
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
