Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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