Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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