I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
