bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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