The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
