i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Randomize
