I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
two words: eviction party
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
