ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
