Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
