My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
