my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
