The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
