I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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