Four minutes until I can fart!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
