There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
