At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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