i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
