i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
