god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
