are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
