matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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