He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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