Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
