addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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